A stream of Consciousness
I have been sitting on 3 thoughts the past week or so. Not sure which one is gonna squeeze out but here they are.
- You don’t need God to be good.
- How warming power made me blind to good women
- Why I got very little word done this week.
Let’s set the table. I’m literally currently taking a dump. But before then, I got a flare up of hunger in my belly and I used Uber Eats to neutralize it in the future. What did I order? Pesto Tortellini with chicken.
I recently got obsessed with pesto pasta especially hot, steaming with chicken but I really don’t think it’s gotta be chicken.
Here is the truth:
I feel I am due to write.
I fear that I haven’t written because I am scared.
I recently got some feedback that indicates people love reading these.
Actually women that I like have found this quite intoxicating. Even when they hate me for it, they love it.
I am now scared to write because idk who I want to please. Which is an indictment of where I find myself.
I slept over at a lady’s place the last two nights. It’s been awesome. I did that because on Monday, the white girl that I liked and we saw each other for a month straight and she broke things off a week or so ago decided to allow me a closure hang out that was scheduled for Friday.
On Monday, we somehow got into why exactly she walked away and I found out it wasn’t because she thought I wasn’t ready to be a spiritual leader. Instead she walked away because she felt I didn’t like her.
I was so mad!!!!!!
I went on to try convincing her over text why she can have other excuses but she can’t think that I don’t like her! Needless to say, the Friday hang out was abruptly cut short cause she found out that I sabotaged our relationship unintentionally once things were getting serious.
I don’t get it though, I admitted to that to her in order to convince her that I liked her. And then she doesn’t even wanna meet anymore because she felt I was playing games.
Keep in mind that the root cause for why she felt I didn’t Like her was because I am so sexual, and I made her feel that I just like her ass.
It’s connected. She felt that I didn’t Like her because she read my post and I concluded that my dick likes her white ass.
How else would a sane person take it?
That is the thing. I absolutely get it! I honestly don’t know if I would have ever loved her but I know I liked her a lot because I was crazy about seeing her. I liked her a lot because she was an event planner and she thought so far ahead. Living felt easy. We had a plan and when we didn’t, she had 5 options. And when she was lazy, I ended up at her place and got to cuddle her ass. And she is beautiful.
Get this. I speak so much of her ass and she is a fine ass woman! But for me, you see, expressing what I wanna do with and to you sexually is a sacred act of vulnerability akin to saying:
I wanna give you my soul tonight.
I guess I could have said that? Would it have made a difference? I don’t think so. Because I believe, deep down, she didn’t think I didn’t Like her. She had the same problem that I have.
She is beautiful and because of it, she is out looking for someone that will see past her beauty and love her for just who she is.
That is where everything falls apart and cracks me up. Have you ever found yourself giving someone treatment for a wound that you have failed to heal from ?
I know the pill to take, I just don’t have the will to make me take it. The pill is the will before the taking.
How do you make someone do what you know is best for them when you have not figured out how to make yourself do it ?
Your body and You are part of YOU
This might be the most understatement of the year. But if you are rich, your money and your ability to get that money is a part of you. If you are fine, your beauty and your ability to be beautiful is a part of you. If you are a genius, your intellect and your ability to be solve difficult puzzles is a part of you.
It’s important to sort through how you attract people but it’s also important to attract people and sort through who they as opposed to disqualifying them by why they came or even why they stay.
Will I stop liking her because her ass shrunk?
Well, will her ass shrink???? So why the flock does that question matter ??
If you gonna have ass all your life, why does it matter that I came to you and I stay crazy about you because u got ass. And even if your ass shrunk, aren’t you obssessed enough with it and the attention that came with it that you would do the work to get it back? So is it more accurate to ask,
Will I stop liking you if your ass shrunk for a little while ? And the answer is the same! Have you considered that I like your ass because I know you like it too? And I know that because you like it, you will preserve it? Keep in mind this was a gym booty lool.
Back to the story
I was so hurt, I was fine when we ended things. I have learnt to abruptly move on so well that I was fine. Too much practice being hurt and honestly hurting others that it didn’t faze me. What fazed me was revisiting it, finding out the real reason and being tormented by the falsehood of it. And wanting to change her perception of reality.
I wanted to help her more than anything because I was afraid for her that she would love lose because she is carrying hurt that I identify with. But it occurred to me that I needed to distract myself as I had been doing after she left instead of investing myself more into solving the puzzle of her choice. The more I invested in that puzzle the more it opened up all the amazing moments we shared. And believe me, they were amazing! She is one baaaaaaaad girl. But one of those that fears God and has skills. It’s an intoxicating combination.
When you go where she doesn’t wanna go because she can’t not go and the place is wet and moist and juicy. The tension between good and evil resting solely on your skin and you feel pierce through time into the moment you gaze into her eyes.
Sheeeesh!
Anyways, in Order to keep my clingy self in check. I drove to this girl’s place that I have been seeing since things broke off and we had a good time. Before she reached back out, this girl was good to me and I was getting to know her and we were building chemistry. After she reached out, I was like… what am I gonna do with her? After she cut off the date on Friday, I was like … I’m coming over and I have been to her place twice this week. And first time this last stretch spending a whole day at her place even when she went to work.
The problem is that this girl is more than a distraction. She is really good. She is awesome. She took care of me. I had a cold and sore throat this whole week and she made me tea, got me cough drops. She cooked and I told her white rice was undercooked and cold. The next day she brought Panera. She wasn’t mad or sad, she just took the feedback and never stopped caring for me.
So yesterday, when a new girl I started talking to earlier in the week got her hands on my medium got me rethinking my career. I sat her down and talked about the things I wanted to write about. Things that were due to write about. The connection between how a woman’s earning power or lack thereof was the reason I was not choosing them and how I had lied to myself to much thinking it was everything but that. How I had thought it was their lack of ass or their lack of combining godliness and sexiness and smartness. How I realized this whole time that I may have desired godliness to be my priority but in truth, money was. And the conundrum between women with money and their lack of interest or emphasis on treating you like a man. Not that they won’t or even can’t, just that it is not a priority.
All that came out and I shared it with her then went on to share where that emphasis on money came from. How I had replaced God in my purpose with money slowly and overtime. My purpose was grand and required reliance on God to achieve but when I could no longer rely on God, I tried keeping a God sized vision alive by powering it with logic, common sense and winning in the world.
Here is the thing, I walked her through all that, and she didn’t judge me. She just supported me and wanted me to write it. She said:
Are you gonna write it?
It hit me. The woman that was a distraction. The woman that I was rebounding off was that woman that saw past my beauty or intellect and chose to spend time with me because I chose to do the same with her.
Here is the kicker, she is beautiful, with an amazing career, and she fears God. Plus she has a higher sex drive than I do.
I left her place today. And it’s like a snake had made its way into my heart and nested in it while I was away. Except it wasn’t a snake — it’s a saint.
I don’t know what I am gonna do. I started this piece thinking I was gonna write about Gaza, Palestine and Israel. Or the request that I got, to write about why Japanese do not consider detached sex as adultery or cheating and why that makes perfect sense. I thought I was gonna write about any of the three topics I started with but here I am a full post in and realizing that I just discovered:
I have a good woman in my life, and I couldn’t see her, I don’t like her, but I could totally choose her.
It’s an incredible feeling to posthumously recognize that you have what you have been seeking for but you didn’t have to earn it.
It reminds me of God’s grace. The gift of death that offers life to the wicked not because he is wicked or a saint. Simply because he has a choice.
I have been unable to feel the presence of God since I was broken up with. And it’s comical that in this moment, right now, I am experiencing the shocking power of grace and it’s come through a gift that I didn’t lobby for but I have given my whole recent memory to go find.
Please let me know which of the other topics you want me to write on but I’m gonna be uncharacteristic and let this post end without a quote. I need to be confronted by what I just discovered.