God: Don’t lie. Don’t be a lie either.
My biggest fear in life is not death or how I die. It’s not being single all my life? It’s not having an accident on a steep freeway, it’s not dropping from a great height. My biggest fear is not being broke all my life.
My biggest fear is the thread that binds all those questions together. It is the reason my body is a vessel unto fear and all its many questions. My biggest fear is that God is a lie and my whole life has been the biggest worship of a lie.
Fuck!
I said it.
The reason my ex fiancé still hurt is because, I believe there are only two options. Either she loves me and God is honest, or she leaves me and God lied.
The reason my job is soo important to me is because, I believe God has blessed me with too much smarts to be broke. I either get what I want at work which usually invokes better pay, or God has lied. Sure His promises indicate a great life if I honor Him. I have been honoring Him, so there can only be two options! I get what I fucking want or He is not God! That is it.
The reason my business has to change this world is because, I am not doing it for me. The vision is amazing, it is incredible, sobering, humbling. Even I get to look at our why everyday and feel small. So if God won’t get behind that, then, He must be a liar!
The reason I deserve the greatest woman God ever made with clay is because I have been working soo very hard on myself, clearly the only thing a good father will give me in return is the best. Period. The best woman, God has formed. Anything short of that is God lying again.
I’m the center of my own universe and God is just a messenger that comes, meets my needs and gets the fuck out.
Wow. So this is really what I think ?
No wonder God cannot be a lie. Not because I care about His love or His message to the world but because I need a servant leader to care for all my needs at my whim in this universe no other person can get to.
This universe in my mind has no keys and no entrance. I need you God, to rescue me from it because I am trapped.
You cannot be a lie and you cannot be a liar. And while we are at it. You can only be what I need you to be in this moment. Not what is good. I don’t give a fuck about what is good, or just or right. I just need you to be what I want and need you to be. Can you do that? For Fuck’s sake. It’s easy. Just do it. Listen to Nike. And just fucking do it.
I’m not angry. I promise. This is how I talk to myself all the time. I just don’t say it out loud nor even allow myself hear it.
I’ve been so enslaved by the promises that are supposed to come when I am good that I have forgotten who I am and who you really claim to be, God, I mean father.
So how do we proceed? Remember the options. Are you gonna get me what I want or am I gonna have to blacklist you like I do to everyone at least once.
I can go there. I can go to that dark place. I just haven’t been to a place without you yet but if that is gonna get me ALL the things that I want. Then I just might. So, the choice is yours bud.
*Few minutes later*
God, I need you. I repent of my folly. Help me surrender to your will even when I don’t like it. Beat up my alter ego until it resembles Jesus in all of his thoughts. Break my will. Break all of my will. Till your Will is enough and my rallying cry.
May it be unto me as you desire.
Amen.