Fear of Cheating
Is it just me or is the fear of cheating real? It feels like a legitimate, present thief robbing the very life that it seeks to protect.
Hi, my name is Dileep. I am afraid to love.
Hi, my real name starts with D, it is a Nigerian name.
Hi, people call me Doh. I love ass.
Hi, you can call me Crown; my great grandfather was an heir to an African throne.
Let’s talk about fear. Precisely fear of cheating.
I was listening to a relationship coach on Instagram. His name is Stefanos. He had a post about leaky sexual energy, and it resonated so much with me. I have leaky sexual energy too. It's the reason why most of my thoughts are consumed with references to butt, buttons, ass, a**, yansh, IDIaraba, and many other forms of body parts that capture the essence of my stimulation.
The one thing that stuck with me though wasn't anything new to me that he said. It was that he came out and admitted it about himself- even if it's in the past. See, my issue is that I know I am dealing with trauma, I want help. I need help, I am just not willing to feel helpless or in need.
I would rather write and self analyze and humiliate myself all day than go talk to a licensed therapist. In a sense, I want help but only on my own terms. I want the truth but only if it will guarantee to make me feel better. I want the truth that feels like healing. Any truth that will reopen wounds that are healed wrong is no truth I am interested in. yet, here I am.
Writing, self-medicating — I am purging pus that will not dry rather than allow a doctor to carve out the root of the pus so it can heal right — the better long-term option.
SYMPTOMS
- I guard my heart with a long checklist
- This checklist is supposed to insure me from falling in love without my brian signing off
- When I find a woman that magically hits this checklist, I try to discourage her
- The number one tool for discouragement is sharing that I never stop loving women, including my ex
- I also ask craftily and sometimes directly whether they have any conditions for divorce
- If she has a condition for divorce, especially adultery, I go on to make a strong case for why this is wrong.
- I don't plan on cheating but these are scenarios where its clearly justified to cheat
- So, what is wrong with you? Why would you go into a marriage and have an out?
- Clearly, God doesn't approve of such; repent or go to hell for dooming your marriage ahead of time.
THE TRUTH
I want to be in love but I am deathly afraid of being dumped, again.
It's kinda weird because I have lied so well to myself that I actually believe that I enjoy heartbreaks because it makes me feel alive. It gives me a reason to compete to want to be better than the image or brand or person that the last women feared and walked away from. I like being told in many words that I am not good enough; because all it does is light up my competitive fire and give me a reason to go to work on myself. It makes me have reasons to wake up every morning and get better because I want them to regret saying no to me.
Its a chandelier covering a dent in the roof
Today, I decided to listen to the inner child in me. I decided to give her an audience. She spoke in a soft sweet voice. She said:
“Dolapo, you are afraid of me leaving you because you cheated on me. You are afraid of abandonment, and the only valid reason you can conjure up for me walking away is if you cheat on me”
First of all,
why are you a woman’s voice?
Why are you not locked away and voiceless?
Why are you not exactly where I put you, where I hid you?
Why are you touching the very thing I have forbade you from ?
See, none of my rebuttals are related to the content of her words; no relationship with the reality that she is the most authentic part of me. I am only preoccupied with the best route to escape the subject.
SOLUTION
Over and over, I am confronted with this one clear truth. The spirit of abandonment has a home in my soul, and I am yet to discover how to drive it out.
It shows up in my personal life, my professional life. I had a co-worker leave my team recently and I immediately ran to my boss and everyone else trying to figure out what he said I did to chase him away. Never mind the fact that he was openly hostile to me on multiple occasions. It's not possible that he has his own demons to deal with and he decided that now is the time to face it. For me, the only truth is and remains that someone I wanna work with, got to know me and decided to walk away. I am, not was, hurt.
Personally, pun intended, Stefen reminded me; that I have leaky sexual energy, but in truth that is merely a symptom. It's like a man leaking urine from his privates, and everyone is worried about the wet bed. You see, a doctor who hears this symptom will immediately call for tests to ascertain the likelihood of prostate cancer. Cancer naturally brings the right urgency to the situation.
I am often so preoccupied with making sure that no one smells my urine-infested bed in the morning when I am dying of cancer.
It's so easy to ask — what kinda priorities are those?
It's the priority that is natural. The priority that prioritizes now above later.
I am afraid to be left => I am afraid to love => I am afraid to be left by someone that loves me => I am afraid to be not worth the effort => I am afraid.
This fear drives me to perfect my being. It drives me to put a microscope on every area of my life that will give anyone a valid reason to get to know me and deem me unworthy.
The IRONY
Every woman that has left me. Has done so because I was immature. They have not left me because I cheated on them because I have not cheated. They have left me because I have been so preoccupied with magnifying the only reason that I can think of for being dumped *deservedly*, that I have refused to grow up and mature in other areas that are somewhat basic.
I have leaky sexual energy because I am obsessed with winning the affection of so many women. I want to learn how to say no to the hot lady, the smart lady, the career-oriented lady, the talk of the town lady, the powerful lady, the godly lady. I want to pass ALL the tests before I feel good to commit my love.
I want a guarantee that she will not leave me.
FAITH
“In the end, Love is like walking on water.”
30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Matthew 14:30–31
There are some wounds, some trauma, some lessons, and some pains that only heal with messy courage.
After all this dissertation, do I know whether or not I will cheat on my wife?
Do I know if I will ever be married?
Do I even know if I will be loved?
I DO NOT.
What I do know: LOVE in its essence doesn't keep track of wrongs. LOVE in its essence isn't linear. LOVE isn't logical. LOVE is not a mathematical equation. LOVE will not arrive at the same destination with the same input. LOVE is not designed to be controlled. LOVE is not software.
LOVE requires me to go deep and when I arrive home, share what I find.
LOVE wants to participate in the view — more important than the visual stimulation, LOVE just enjoys sharing.
The greater crime against love is to give in incessantly to the fear that robs one of courage. Especially, courage to be vulnerable, to be seen imperfectly, to be known however ADULTERATED and IMPURE.
“To be human is to love imperfection from a knowledge of one’s short coming.”