Fear of Cheating

Photo by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash

SYMPTOMS

  • I guard my heart with a long checklist
  • This checklist is supposed to insure me from falling in love without my brian signing off
  • When I find a woman that magically hits this checklist, I try to discourage her
  • The number one tool for discouragement is sharing that I never stop loving women, including my ex
  • I also ask craftily and sometimes directly whether they have any conditions for divorce
  • If she has a condition for divorce, especially adultery, I go on to make a strong case for why this is wrong.
  • I don't plan on cheating but these are scenarios where its clearly justified to cheat
  • So, what is wrong with you? Why would you go into a marriage and have an out?
  • Clearly, God doesn't approve of such; repent or go to hell for dooming your marriage ahead of time.

THE TRUTH

I want to be in love but I am deathly afraid of being dumped, again.

Its a chandelier covering a dent in the roof

Today, I decided to listen to the inner child in me. I decided to give her an audience. She spoke in a soft sweet voice. She said:

SOLUTION

Over and over, I am confronted with this one clear truth. The spirit of abandonment has a home in my soul, and I am yet to discover how to drive it out.

The IRONY

Every woman that has left me. Has done so because I was immature. They have not left me because I cheated on them because I have not cheated. They have left me because I have been so preoccupied with magnifying the only reason that I can think of for being dumped *deservedly*, that I have refused to grow up and mature in other areas that are somewhat basic.

FAITH

“In the end, Love is like walking on water.”

30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:30–31

There are some wounds, some trauma, some lessons, and some pains that only heal with messy courage.

I DO NOT.

What I do know: LOVE in its essence doesn't keep track of wrongs. LOVE in its essence isn't linear. LOVE isn't logical. LOVE is not a mathematical equation. LOVE will not arrive at the same destination with the same input. LOVE is not designed to be controlled. LOVE is not software.

“To be human is to love imperfection from a knowledge of one’s short coming.”

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Adedolapo Olisa

Adedolapo Olisa

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I’m an aspiring story teller that is learning to let stories tell their own morals. You’ll find me where Faith-Tech-Art meet.