In this phase, the currency is influence. When your power isn’t what you can do but what you can get others to do.

Have you ever felt nothing for 3 days and not know why ?

Have you ever felt your world changing as you stand still?

Have you ever felt loss that is gains?

Have you ever felt the new moon peek out of darkness ?

Scratch that. Those are old words. Artistic words that sound deep and mean nothing. Okay, mean something but reveal nothing.

The last three days, I have not showered. I have worn the same exact clothes too. In that time, I spent time with a woman that is not new but not old but not mine and not just a friend.

There I was in her living room talking about suicide. Heavy. But it wasn’t that I wanted to die. It was that I didn’t Know why I wanna live.

In that moment, I felt so alive because here I was sitting in her living room after I had hurt her by shutting off communication for like a month. I guess you can say I ghosted her. She told me how it made her feel and I had to admit to myself first and to her that I am sorry.

Girl, I did ghost you. It hurt to because I like to think I am a great communicator. Truth is, I found out, I only communicate well when I have been living consistent with what I want to believe about myself.

If what I believe is always consistent with how I act. Then what I wanna believe is the biggest lie there is because very few people live consistent lives in comparison to it.

This revelation began during my last podcast recording. Basically, I have built so much of my life on the assumption that I love Jesus yet the most basic assessment of how Jesus identifies who loves Him and I know I don’t count.

Jesus said:

Peter!!!!!! Do you love me? *insert Peter’s response here* … Feed my sheep.

It goes on three times. Same question. Followed by a call to obey Him. See it didn’t matter whether Peter felt love in His heart for Jesus. It mattered that Peter turned that feeling, maybe doubt, maybe reservation of Jesus’ future absence, — Peter must turn it into ACTIONS.

I’m not here to talk about Jesus. I am here to talk about influence. Even Jesus knew that He may have hearts swooning, ears flapping in silence, minds lost on His words, and nose sniffing His grace but He needed to turn all these assets of human state and perception of Him into ACTIONS. Especially actions that were coordinated, coherent and diverse into what but unified in why.

A lot of times the church uses a beautiful imagery for influence called — the body of Christ. The body of Christ is a visual depiction of a unity in difference in action.

Feed my sheep.

Feed — Peter’s action.

My — Jesus’. They were people already influenced by Jesus in need of nurturing. They were people that were not yet soldiers that needed bootcamp. They were people whose feet were not yet fixed on the journey. Their why was wavering and so their what was not beneficial to the cause.

Sheep — dumb. Harsh but true. They were shells that were ready to be filled with Grace or greed. Love or apathy. These sheep were gonna be meat at the feast of the marriage of the lamb or they were gonna be the sacrifice that made the feast possible.

It feels strange for me to admit. After 3 years of unloving myself. I find that I have been lying to myself. I am not unlovable. I am loved.

The real question is whether or not I will do something with that love. It’s not a singular love from a singular heart. It is love for my body, my brain, my spirit, my thoughts, my vision, my purpose, my work. Very few love me for multiple reasons in that list but there are some that see all and love me just as I am.

The truth though is. He always did. He always did know me, see me. He always has been speaking to me — feed my sheep.

But I gots me some problemses with thatas.

I don’t want to feel responsible for anyone else. I don’t want to believe that there are sheep under my voice. The thought of sheep feels dumb and wrong. Are they dumb to accept a role and play it? Am i looking at it all wrong? A sheep is a strong animal, producer of wool. Wool keeps us warm. Am I a sheep to Him who calls me to feed His sheep? Does a sheep feed other sheep? Are we all dumb? What is dumb? Does dumb depend on the degree of intellect?

I walk into rooms, and places. I find people’s reasoning and thinking inferior to mine. I feel a sense of pride in that feeling then I chase that feeling only to realize that the feeling of superiority is different from feeling good for possessing superior information.

I can have access to refined thoughts but it doesn’t make me superior. And in the currency of heaven, it makes me responsible to help others refine their thoughts. As tempting as it is to create dependence on me. I must empower. I must others know to out refine me.

This is influence. Not being needed to give orders to sheep. But to make lions that may eat me alive; lions that volunteer to listen because I am closer, dedicated to be closer to the refinery’s fire!

Feed my sheep — I will.