Do I like men? Am I sexually attracted to men? Do I enjoy male company more than women? But I enjoy humping ass?
I live in California, so I can swing whichever way I want. No one cares. But I do. For me, at the top of the list of things I do not want to find out about myself is that I am gay.
Oh, that will be for sure a dark day. A very dark day. My earliest recollection of male attraction was in high school. In Nigeria, high school was a place to become a wretch but the rules are designed to assure parents that no such wretchedness is hatching.
In plain terms, we were not allowed to explore puberty urges with the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean people didn’t find ways to, I just wasn’t one of them.
I remember in JSS2 which means I probably was 14 ish years old. I had this name sake that was well fat. He had tender juicy boobs.
I didn’t look at him and become turned on. I was playing around with him when I noticed that touching his boobs made me excited.
I can’t even claim innocence because I remember even then feeling like there is something wrong or weird about what I was doing. I was stronger than him and he was very playful. So I sought him out and pressed his boobs.
I remember being so disappointed when I found out that he was not coming back for JSS3. I was distraught. My sexual outlet was gone!
In between JSS3 and SS2, when porn made a prominent appearance in my life. I got to wrestle with the temptations from the feminine boys. We had this particular one that had a nice booty. He would cat walk all around the hostel.
I have memories of literally resisting myself from looking at his ass the same way I would resist myself from looking at a girl’s behind.
He would wear perfume and walk around the rooms. And I would pick up the scent and just shake my head.
I have no idea if he was specifically targeting me but it sure made life interesting.
Thank goodness, I never folded. Next up, porn. Porn was very mean to me. I started off mild then after watching all the available free videos on the sites that I used. I started drifting towards lesbian sex.
I found lesbian sex to be quite passionate and arousing. I have no idea what they did differently but it always got me jealous. I wanted to be one of the ladies. I think it’s the selfless way in which they please each other. Heterosexual porn felt very coarse and transactional.
Eventually after watching all the interesting lesbian sex, I saw one or two male gay porn. I could never get past the beginning before I turn it off in disgust.
So here is what I know:
- I like ass, period.
- I have been aroused by male bodies albeit when presented femininely
- I find male porn disgusting.
Honing in on the last part, do I find male gay porn disgusting or do I have a fear of enjoying it?
I think both. But I know for a fact, I do not want to find out that I like men. With everything in my body, with everything that I believe, with everything I grew up on; that will be a betrayal of identity.
I share all that because there is this narrative about being born gay. As if the only gay people are the ones that have a genetic disposition to it.
Maybe it is true. Maybe it is not. I am not a doctor but in my own life experience and journey, I see a very clear pattern.
We become what we think. We often succumb to what we resist the most.
At every stage of my dabbling with male booties and boobies. There was an influence in my surrounding.
Quick detour, I am not writing to condemn gay sex. I am not writing to fight for heterosexuality. I am mostly recollecting my journey and my fears as close to reality as I can.
I didn’t even know being attracted to the same sex was a thing when I squeezed my namesake’s boobs. I just know that I was a holy student that was not seen next to girls. And I wanted to protect my image while I figure out what “konji” meant.
It’s been an interesting journey for me because I have been committed to keeping a vow that I made as a kid to God that I will not have sex till I am married.
Honestly, that vow feels so foreign to me now. I don’t know why I am keeping it but I know at a general sense, it is good to keep one’s word. No matter how much time has passed and how inconvenient.
I have given and received hand jobs. Received oral sex. Yet, I believe myself to be a virgin. Just Incase you are wondering if I am delusional or if I lie to myself, I do.
I’m also touching that because I don’t Want to give the illusion of purity. I am a filthy scum and it’s okay.
The decision to uphold this vow is interesting because it has also created doubt in my mind.
How am I to know that I like women when I have never had one?
Beyond knowing, I also know that I do not like the way a vagina looks. It’s the weirdest thing. I enjoy playing with it and touching it but it doesn’t turn me on to look at.
Everything else about a woman’s body turns me on but vagina. Not so much.
I remember reading about the fact that this is a key sign for people that become gay.
And I also remember finding that out and freaking out so bad.
Anyways, I’m a Christian. So chances are, even if I like men, I will enjoy all the body parts of a woman that turns me on. Which is pretty much all of it. I will enjoy one day inserting myself into her and enjoying a blissful moment. I will enjoy repeating it for many years.
But I know it won’t change the fact that I have had these male encounters in the past. Encounters that my environment and circumstances presented.
It begs the question…
How many people are gay because circumstances made them so?
There is a Scripture that puts so much of what is going on in this modern age into perspective for me:
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7)
It rings true in every sphere of my life and I wonder if it rings true even in sexuality.
The movies I watch
The music I listen to
The images I see
The conversations I hear
The arguments I believe
The feelings I taste
The desires I release
The logic I embrace