Love hides like Money
There is a very fascinating link between the search for love and the desire to posses money. They both don’t like to be hunted. They are shy to the beam of infrared guns ready for the trigger to pull.
Let me set the table.
Everytime that I have fallen in love, it’s happened like when I fall asleep every night. It just happens when it happens. It happens when I least expect it.
It happens to me, I don’t Make it happen.
Let me ask you this:
can you fall in love in Alaska?
Can you fallen in love working at the club?
Can you fall in love being devoted to the church ?
Can you fall in love living in Hollywood?
Can you fall in love pursuing a career ?
Can you fall in love during sky diving?
Can you fall in love sitting home all day?
Can you fall in love when you have no job ?
Can you fall in love driving through countries that speak languages you do not know ?
Can you fall in love on a road trip ?
Can you fall in love in community colleges? How about at USC?
Can you fall in love at cold Boston?
Can you fall in love in Canada?
Can you fall in love living amongst strangers?
The answer is yes. And also no. Yes when the objective is not to fall in love. No when the singular objective is not fall in love.
My first love was my arch enemy in primary school. She and a group of girls held me at emotional gun point. I was the notorious girl beater that only knew how to inflict pain on any woman especially the attractive ones. As early as 6 years old, I had a reputation. My crush and her friends orchestrated an accusation of rape at 6!
So I made a plea deal. I will not beat any lady in their group in exchange for not telling the world that I raped my family friend. I didn’t do it, but I didn’t Know what rape was either. I just remember coming home and asking my mom what rape was and she flipped.
So oddly, as time passed by, my crush grew to become the most beautiful woman of my set and I held a deep attraction for her mostly because I couldn’t Approach her. I loved her from far for 6 years and did previous little about it.
Then off I went to college. My crush left me for secondary school because she left in primary 5 and I fulfilled my full count.
She is the woman that I consider my first love because I loved her for the longest, and still do. Ish. But also because I was old enough to kinda appreciate love. I was 12. Hehe.
Secondary school. I was in class 1A. I remember it like yesterday. It was the same class that I didn’t Interview for the school. There were a few girls in my class that were attractive including the grand daughter of the owner of the school and the daughter of the governor of the state. But I remember distinctly when my crush walked into my class. She came to see one of the girls, and our eyes locked. And she whisked away.
It was a known secret for all 6 years in secondary school. Everyone including my seniors and juniors and peers knew who I liked. I would buy her gifts for her birthday every year without fail but I never made a meaningful move to date her. I was convinced she was my girl and I will marry her.
Ups and downs, she dated and then didn’t but in the end, one day after we graduated, I made my move and it was received well. Except the curse of my love story hit. I was in a different city from her and she was heading to college while I figured out where I wanted to go for school. In her school she was allowed no phones.
I love people when it’s hard for them to love me back.
I had just enjoyed my first extended bout with porn. I had replaced the exhilaration of needing no woman for my pleasure with intentionally choosing to be vulnerable and communicate my needs embracing the shame and guilt that comes with feeling imperfect and ordinary. And for the first time in my life, I committed to not seeking or wanting love. I wanted to just embrace life without a singular lens or search for companion.
My brother in law’s momma had passed. I sent money to my sister and felt like job done. I didn’t know her anyway. I had this strong urge to go be with my sister so in addition, I flew over and got there the night before the service. I woke up got dressed and on my way downstairs, I met this beautiful young lady that no one told me about. She was a mystery. I know she wasn’t related to my brother in law yet she seemed so familiar to him. I remember in the car, I asked how they knew each other and then voila the story.
After a few days of close proximity and very little interactions. I heard she was leaving and I stormed out and confronted her.
How dare you leave without saying goodbye?!
Keep in mind that I had barely spoken to her or made any moves. While I was having an intense dialog within myself to make a move or not to make a move. She was winding down and preparing to head back home. Home was the other opposite coast from where I lived.
Spiritual confirmations and mutual attractions later and I propose, she says yes, and she walks away; all under 2 years.
___________________________. This one thing I know:
She will come when I am least focused on finding her.
Love is a beautiful thing, don’t pity me. I write and empty my heart of its pains and doubts and hurts because I want all of me to experience the delight of the gift of love.
I have come to embrace this truth that life is balanced by opposite forces. The height of my love for my wife whenever she comes will be mirrored by the depth of the despair that love has plundered me into.
I would it appreciate her touch, her smile, her choice of me if all I have ever known is that I am handsome, tall and have a career; as such, I deserve admiration, and worship.
Life truly has opened my eyes to see that being a spec or not had nothing to do with the gift of love. Infact being a spec might make Love harder. For the most beautiful women, they intimidate men by just walking in the room. For the most attractive men, they value attraction so little because there are so many connections.
So many adages of lifeMs blessing being a curse and love is no different to the waves of life.
The only antidote to heartbreak is heartthrob. Everything else is symptom medication without possibility of healing.
So take your medicine and live. Let the stealer of your heart find you busy living!