Love is a choice that depends on love?

Hiatus, hi a turd! Hired status, hiya toss!

Back.

So, is it love?

Is it choice ?

Is it both?

Is which first?

Is which next ?

I don’t like it.

It’s confusing.

Love is an action but when I act, I must choose first?

If I don’t, it gets messy. Loving someone I haven’t chosen ends up making them ‘chosen’ through choices, I made. The micro choices of let’s hang out, let’s grab a bite, let’s cuddle, let’s text through the storm, let’s get to know each other, gather momentum that lands me at door steps, I didn’t put in the GPS.

I want to choose, intentionally but my needs are leading me on to choose people that need me back which is a choice for now, but is that the choice I’m making ?

Its a fascinating thing to realize that to continue not merely begin is to choose but i want to be intentional and momentarily present at the same time. Those two options conflict practically but I don’t know why! I want to be present in the minutia of each moment I spend without any repercussion or relentless weight of a grand choice as context, but those I share the moments with don’t share my philosophy on love.

To be fair, my philosophy might be compromised by selfishness because it is indeed easier and better for me to be momentarily tunnel minded and globally detached from the burden of commitment.

Back up, the Bible did say better to marry than to burn. Paaaaaauuuuulll!!!! Come over here, can I speak to you in private. I got some questions.

Is this wisdom with broad strokes or should I be clipping it contextually within the confines of I-wanna-bang correctly. Like is the human supposed to be merely sexy or must there be a mutual desire to be accomplice and alibi in life’s grand proceedings. Sic, don’t ask me what I-wanna-bang incorrectly looks like!

In otherwords, if she’s just hot and that’s it and if she says amen after I invoke Jesus, is that all there is to it or do all the standard wisdom still apply because someone gotta tell me how it’s better to marry than to bang, I mean burn; if I gotta take time to find out if she’s holy, sanctified, graceful and whatever else. Point is, I’d be burning waiting for her to check out like a hungry man watching chicken in the marinade. To be hungry, to burn is to want food now. Whether it’s made at McDonald’s or Fogo De Caio, it just needs to be prepared good ready to eat! No time for verifications, this ain’t green card.

Because if I remember correctly, the first problem which is the main problem is that I can’t make a decision on the right sandwich let alone make a decision on who to love. Sooo, is it love or is it choice ?

Apostle Paul, I got …. Another one in DJ Khaled voice. Everyone’s telling me that i gotta dig her physique. Okay, back up that isn’t what they said. They said I need to be attracted to her but isn’t that code for I gotta like her body and wanna bang her or is that like projecting and taking it to extreme or is that too crude ? Wait, also is that lust? Is it lust to wanna bang her or does it become lust when I make moves to? But you said it’s better to marry than to burn. Is that burn like coded word for lust? So does that mean it’s okay to acknowledge the lust and let it lead me to love, or choice? Or I don’t know. What exactly is which ?

So here is the situation. I like this woman, she knows Jesus but like He ain’t her boo thang! Then this other one just showed up from afar and she kinda say He her boo thang but she is a baaad b**** in her own words. Okay maybe in our own words. I didn’t say it, I don’t even use those terms only in my head which I presume we are in right now.

Anyways, so now I am loving from far and from close but I ain’t even chosen to love yet. I mean I can’t love yet because we are in quarantine and I am a physical toucher. So there is an element of I gotta assess the goods before I choose. Is that just common sense or am I making up another rule ? Like Amazon prime send me a package and I don’t certify I got it until I frisky it, you know. Just because my phone is popping with notifications doesn’t mean that package’s gonna make it to me and be mine too, ya dig?

Is it even wise to apply Amazon prime logistics to humans and human people? In a thin context I think I can do that right? I am not saying these women are things but there is an aspect of, yoooo we gotta check out the package in person! I mean I ain’t Even talking about … THE package. Which you know what I like?!! I’m just talking about the way the word hit different in person! The energy change like sleeping room temperature. The voice tone to call me out. The way the apple core turns to conflict based on where its neglected. All that in person dynamics. But let’s be real, also… the PACKAGE. I mean if we gonna be snacking till we pass into eternity, I gotta make sure it ain’t no Big Mac in the box. My mama ain’t like McDees. I want some bougee 5 star meal changing entrees every month. I’m not picky asking for new meals every day, just every month. Balanced diet.

I understand it’s supposed to be a snack but I like my meal whole. Next! Wait, what are we talking about right now. Are we talking about food or eating? Uhhmmm. Both, like choice and love.

Which is it?!! Which is first?! Facts, this life as they say … no balance.

Home boy gotta make decisions. They feel urgent. They feel like I gotta just wake up after epiphany and go P.u.R.S.U.E heeerr!! Yo everyone want a guy that know what he want. Oh hush! What the heck does that even mean. Talk about know what he want. This ain’t about knowing or wanting. If that were the case, we won’t all be in a monogamous relationship. All of us will be banging every thing with legs. We’ll be sampling sex like it’s an appetizer, at least one meal from every continent, region and state. I’m not talking about just horny guys here cause I see the way she be looking at dem hot bods on IG. We alllllll want sexy thangs. Ain’t that why commitment sexier than body? Because it’s a cage we volunteer to walk into and lock ourselves in. Seeeee but don’t touch. Then we praise each other, I literally pat my own behind cause no one seems to be doing that when I see that booty shake and I peak but no boo. I feel like a Jesus man in that moment to be honest. Except I am working on the no peek part but then again, He ain’t say not to peek did He? I think He said, don’t do it. Don’t do it in your mind. How you gonna have a woman in your mind which is sin if peeking isn’t natural or legal. It’s the sustained peeking and thinking on it, for me.

Back to decisions, I mean love. So i know my woman deserves my full pursuit. But I got options, and she got UPtions. So she wants me to KNOW it’s her and drop everything and come after her yet it can’t be lust. Bro, what makes a man drop everything and come after you? I sure do for real definitely know it ain’t about personality. No one is chasing personality that hard. Bro, please. He feeling something in these bones that Ezekiel spoke rose to. But nah! She ain’t want no lustful man. So, no lust, no snack chasing, all Love and Choose NOW! Bye … I’d be choosing hurry not choosing you! If you want to be chosen and want to choose, then this is a marinade not deep fried chicken. Many times we want 5 star meals but don’t wanna sit down. Making anything to your exact specifications means, allowing for the marriage between your exact and the creator’s recipe.

Can we like get to KNOW each other because there is levels to this! Like I’m trying to figure out if the chemistry is right between your juice and my taste buds. Between your anger and my calm down. Between your OCD and my lack of hygiene. Okay maybe all that ain’t chemistry, throw in some physics but you feel me? And while we sort through that, it takes time! Yet u want me to commit to you to sort through that. Girl, isn’t that the whole point. Like how am I to commit to you to sort through that when I am trying to figure out if I should commit to you! That sound like circular reasoning in there somewhere. And then there is the whole you making me have to commit, there are other people showing up in both our pictures! So you are under pressure that I am to pick who to commit to because you don’t wanna lose the fishes or the bait trying to reel you in. Likewise, I wanna get as much data before I decide if this fish is to be let back into the ocean or taken home to break bread over. Speaking of data, you know if a fish isn’t a certain size, you can’t take it home. It’s the same thing! Dude’s gotta gather data, in peace and pieces. Infact, the obstruction of data gathering is also a data point. Love is the one thing we shouldn’t hurry. Don’t be a hopeless romantic on camera then order fast love off it.

All that being said, I think it’s a choice love is just an ingredient in it. There is nothing that prepares me for this. Except maybe when I was deciding which college to go to and I ended up losing my eyes and picking one or as I tell it to people. God shut down the other options and I picked the only one left! It was totally my choice! Thank you Jesus!

If you are in this boat, give yourself grace. Love is a choice that depends on love. Make of that whatever you will but that is the moral of every story. Life is a circular dependency on a circle expected to have no dependency.

It’s no wonder, love is the most entangled of life’s choices. In an ideal world you’ll have time for your recipe to cook from marinate this meat to slow cook it but in this life, people are hungry including me, and that is okay. Acknowledge the hunger and choose love. Feed the hunger now, fulfill your priorities, wait on your snack, meal, or snack now, meal when it’s ready; whatever you do, choose love intentionally, realistically for you with humanity. Knowing full well that no matter how much humanity you have as your main ingredient, it’s gonna be messy.