The demographics of Attraction

Let’s talk about the role where fits in the hierarchy of how love meets who and makes a home that becomes the what.

I’ve lived in Orange County, California for 8+ years, and I always wondered why my bumble, hinge and the likes don’t go off. You would not believe just how much time I spend on this thought. I have reshaped my profile 1–3 times for each platform in that span with mostly mixed results. There is rarely a time when I have consistent matches. They come in spades of 1–2 clusters then nothing for weeks.

I always just assumed that it’s because there aren’t new people flooding the streets and however little matches I have gotten over the years, that is the pool of people that like me.

Or maybe I should say that like my profiles because there is an art to it, I suppose?

Here is the headline story though. I landed in Nigeria on my birthday, and swiped a few times, which I assume registered my location. In less than 12 hours, I have had close to 100 matches.

Same profile, same pictures, same beardgang look. Same everything.

What is different?

Let’s start with what i think isn’t true:

  • The story I tell myself is that there is a small black population in Orange County, and the demographics are not attracted to my kind. But the truth is, that is true but a small part of it. A big part of it, I think is that I live and showcase a life under the poverty line in California. Hahahahaahahahaha!!!
  • I think women in California especially Orange County start with the question, is he living an adventure I want to be a part of or extend, and the answer to that is nope! He is working and making enough to get by and that is not exciting when the other men in the same location are hiking shirtless, surfing, and riding around in Maseratis.
  • But really, truly, I think it’s less about me. It’s more about the options. There is a lot of great looking men, earning well, active and living wild and free. Unfortunately, I only fall under maybe one of those categories.

Coming now to what is true:

  • When I go to LA, I get a lot more matches than when I am in Orange County. You can argue that LA is even more expensive yet with the same exact profile and quirkiness, some women match with me. Simple math, LA has a higher black population? LA has a vivacious Nigerian community. In this community, I am not just good looking, I’m a fine young responsible man.
  • Nigerian women are tired of wild and free. Hehehe! If you are in a stage of youth and exploration, wild and free and shirtless are a hit. When you want to settle down, wild and free still applies but it isn’t a primary need. Ability to build a home becomes important. The boring man scores a point here. Bonus if he can be infected with an adventurous spirit.

I have no idea what I am talking about or why I am writing this early! Lol. I guess I am just trying to unpack why my dating apps are flooded with admirers. I am not used to it.

I feel like I am getting a glimpse into the problems women have on dating apps. When you match with so many men, how do you decipher who is real and who isn’t.

I’ve gone from leaping at the thought of a match. Someone likes me?!!! To, nope, nope, nope. But I am the same guy, why had changed?

Location, Location, Location.

I won’t lie to you. I have considered moving at least 5 times every year for the past 8 years for love. Haha! I have toiled with the question: does living in a Nigerian community change my odds of finding someone to settle down with ?

The answer has mostly been, I will stay where I feel God has me for this season. And my answer hasn’t changed just because a bunch of women idle on their phones swiped right on me. However it does highlight for me just how critical where you are is.

Maybe living for finding love doesn’t appeal To you. Maybe like me you have prioritized love as third, fourth or fifth priority. Maybe you are a hopeless romantic that thinks love is like the waves of the ocean, you don’t make it, you ride it whenever it decides to show up. Maybe like me you are stubborn, you don’t want to feel like a failure, you don’t want to feel like you quit or you are chasing what ought to just be and come and arouse.

Some days I think about going to clubs more or going to bars more or going to Barnes and Noble more or more malls. I’m the end, this love mystery is exactly that.

A lot of attention is like famous people and loneliness. They end up dating within their already small circles because it’s harder to decipher who is real amongst a maze.

A lot less attention leads to acting like a thirsty, hungry soul that doesn’t know what to do when someone smiles at you.

It so funny, I get to used to frowning females faces that when I’m at the gym and one smiles back. I quit my work out and soak it in.

THAT girl, that woman doing squats, just winked at me! No, she didn’t. She smiled BACK. She was just reciprocating the energy. Sure enough, it’s true.

If you are wondering what we are doing here. It’s simple. I wanted to announce that I am in Nigeria. And that this love business is just as complicated in Nigeria as it is in the US. And lastly, there is no perfect forums for love. There is no rhyme or reason. No logic. But there are steps you can take to change your problems.

  • Know the problems you are comfortable solving
  • Be where those problems are plenty
  • Tweak the parameters to trend towards more leveraging your strength.
  • Lastly, BE where the opportunities that fits you lie.

I’m not sure if too much attention is better than very little attention but I am sure that love in Nigeria is different from love in California, for me. Time to explore the nuances!

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Adedolapo Olisa

Adedolapo Olisa

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I’m an aspiring story teller that is learning to let stories tell their own morals. You’ll find me where Faith-Tech-Art meet.