The Grace to be Eternally Single

We all pressurized together marry for different reasons but we don’t sit down to know why?

I am single. I got a good job. I have a business I am nurturing. I have family that loves me and wants me hitched but love me as is.

Why am I rushing out of here ?

Nods.

Nods twice.

Why the fuck am I rushing out of where I am?

Why is where I am so toxic feeling ? Why do I feel like I am waking and sleeping in deeeep shit?

Why do I feel like everything about my life is not enough ?

Why do I feel like enough is in tomorrow ?

Who has a great job as an individual contributor and decides to go take a job as a manager just because people say if you ain’t managing people then you haven’t made It? You are not an elite member of society.

But hold up. Why?

Do I love her? Is she attractive ? Does my soul hum when I am with her? Do I see a life after the butterflies are pooped out? Do I enjoy silence with her? Does her noise calm my rage ?

I mean I am gonna be chilling at home with her everyday. We gonna be spending ample of time together. If home can’t be home, if home becomes a raging war house, what am I doing ?

Why would I just knowing go adopt a liability just because she cute? Or just because my papa wants me to settle down? Or just cause I wanna relate with my married bosses ?

Are relationships supposed to be about adding more to my life? Is she supposed to be an addition? I say heck yeah! But what is she adding? Should I think of it this way?

Also how am I defining addition? Is it just having ass to grind? Great ass make a difference over good ass? What if ass takes me to bliss? Is that kinda bliss a liability? Is liability just the dollar figures ?

Soo many questions but we don’t ask. When we do, we aren’t brutal at answering.

I’ve had to come to place where I realize, it’s okay to be single for the rest of my life. If it means I won’t settle for a woman just to say I married. Or settle for a woman just to have sex. Or settle for a woman whom our energies are incompatible. To take a woman half hearted, to drag myself to someone who doesn’t excite my soul. To choose a woman that my heart isn’t in sync with just because so many other things are there.

I will not disrespect myself again. Because I will not devalue another woman. I will not choose to check my met needs in a person at the expense of choosing one who my soul longs to serve all the days of my life.

But to be single the rest of my life? Sheeesh. But I know this. Even though I don’t want to believe that I could be, I recognize the path way to better from here is not just a ring and a commitment. I can grow in many other ways and if infinite love of a woman isn’t one of them, I accept my lot.

I choose to love myself so I can love you.