When you know but she don’t
I’m in that weird space where I know the woman I want but she doesn’t know if she wants me.
Yes, I am not smiling.
The moment I got to Nigerian soil. My first interest was to see what the land offered when it comes to sexy women.
Well, I was flooded with beauty on all media from bumble to Instagram, to tinder and of course on the streets. Some medium more subtlety than others.
Then I met the woman that both of my parents like for me. She is a grown woman from a family they both know well and respect. A hallmark of this family is the dripping love they have for Jesus. I lapped it up like a dog.
Before meeting her, I was already hooked because of the many nuances to her character. She has this unshakeable confidence in God and consistently runs to God from guidance.
Naturally when you are getting close to 30 and a tall, good looking and financial stable guy visits you. Typically you smile and jump at him with open arms.
Uwa did not swoon. Uwa hugged me, enjoyed my presence and kept doing the same thing she was doing before I came. In physics terms, my whole powerful momentum was absorbed and halted by her and she didn’t as much as move an inch.
Wahala Wear Face Cap
I’m still shook.
Here I am with women popping out from different spots as if they know what conversation my parents are having with me about settling down. Here I am desiring to have an eagle eye operating at birds eye view. Here I am totally locked in on one target and fully descended to capture my prey; and nope. My prey is my predator. She got me locked up in her stare and she isn’t even looking at me.
Let’s flip the scene.
So I leave Nigeria and return to California and I realize that the same gitters hit. Ok touch down, all my previous options that I thought were dead and cold and done came back alive.
I am reinstalling bumble and CMB; and saying hello to my old friends and reconnecting. It’s all well and good until an old friend in the middle of a conversation told me:
I have a friend looking for FWB
What the actual heck. FWB is like the most perfect description of what I long for. Let me break it down.
This is the most ridiculous and the most accurate word in the acronym. Because a friend can be distant, or close; earned or chosen; good for you or terrible for you; a friend like a lover is just simply someone you choose. I mean what else would it be, PWB — Person with Benefits? So I don’t Need to know her and we can be friends! Hurray!
Well this is just dandy because it means I wanna be WITH this person. I want to be around them. I want to be in their space. With is agnostic. It doesn’t care about your character, status, well-being or body. It just simply joins two or more things together. In this case I have a longing to be joined and the person I wanna be joined to is busy; so do I shut out my desires to be joined or do I practice being joined even if it’s with someone else that isn’t them or do I practice being alone when I want to be joined, I want to be WITH someone.
Also this is key. I realize that I have a greater desire to be with someone than I do to be with HER. Which is the real test. The real deal. So many people are in identityless relationships because the desire is to meet a need:
- A need to not be societally awkward as a single 50 year old.
- A need to enjoy sex and all the pleasures of being with someone.
- A need to have companionship even if it’s terrible and conflicting.
- A need to be admired whether for character or for looks or for at least something or all the things that make me feel good about myself.
- A need to prolong my lineage through blood fusing and egg bursting; creature shelling activities.
This is my favorite word in all the acronym. At its core, it is need meeting. It really just means, I could careless what you need. As long as you say yes to scrubbing my bulge. Now it’s sweet of you have written books and have degrees in how to chisel down a bulge; but really I am locked in on how to not have so much anxiety that as long as you can level it, I’m good. I feel the benefit of the association.
In reality, I then also do or exchange actions either while you are doing for me or after or even before. Because the therapist in my past have couched a succinct picture for me of how to get benefit through mutual gains.
But in the end, my needs are met and I don’t mind whatever I give back to meet it. Benefits!
can you imagine a friendship without any benefits?
Goodness, gracious! FWB is perfect. Everyone just needs to choose the right benefits and the right action and don’t let anyone determine for you what is good benefit!
My sarcasm can be hard to nail down. Long story short, I met my new FWB and I derived a lot of benefit from our first meeting.
But something strange happened. The more benefit I got from her the more value I lost for HER. Then I searched even deeper and realized that I valued her more but I lost value for myself. My self worth as perceived by me plummeted.
So now, I am feeling like a rudderless ship in the middle of the ocean.
Do you like her ?
I don’t know. The End.
I really like where I am because:
- I will tell her what I have done
- We will have a storm
- We will need God to keep us interested
- Above all, I want to know that I want her and choose her for me;
I don’t want a woman my mom loves for me. I want a woman I love that loves my mommy. I don’t want a woman my dad chose for me. I want a woman that God nods on our union. I don’t want a woman that merely represents a family union. I want a woman that we form a deep union that sinks into an environs where our family is happy to reside.
She said to me:
I will take you serious when you want me after you get to California.
Now I say to myself:
I want you but I am not pretty to look at.
This dance should be irrelevant but I have chosen a woman that I didn’t like before and she knew. And she saw through me; and she broke my heart. I’m not good at managing a woman. I do a great job at forever but the misery of forever without affection takes some endurance before nuptials.
I am afraid, and I know it; but I choose courage. Courage to be honest and to be better at the cost of losses today. I want a honest relationship and I’ll wait for that woman that will see past my benefits.
Love begins where imperfection is seen.