An exercise in being real with gratitude.
I don’t feel very grateful. But therein lies in root of so many things going on in my life. I act out of how I feel and make decisions for how I want to feel.
Is that wrong? Is that fine but suboptimal ? I’m not sure but I am sure that it is natural to make decisions from the seat of my emotions.
So maybe it’s time to reframe the problem. Maybe the problem is not how I feel or how I wanna feel. Maybe the problem is that I want to feel different, better, happy, but I am not feeding the emotions I want to feel.
It’s weird but I’ve come to realize that I actually enjoy being miserable. Haha! I’ve also observed that people enjoy watching me being miserable. People also connect with misery more affirmingly than with say , I don’t know, joy?
I cannot think of the last time when I read or watched or listened to something that made me laugh and I proceeded to find who wrote it made it just to let them know that their work connected and resonated with me.
Mid resonance reserved for sorrow? Or does sorrow resonate more loudly, forcefully that we more easily spew it back out with admiration and awe. It’s so much easier to detect, and accept that someone made me feel bad than good.
Could it be that it’s because we get obsessed with changing, removing emotions that are classified bad as if they were bad music we need not endure. I think I even have the same relationship with true that makes me feel naked and uncomfortable.
I like truth. I love truth. I wanna be honest. I try to be precise. But when truth don’t feel good, I’ve noticed it’s no fun to deliver or sit in. This kinda truth feels bad; and thus becomes bad truth — what an oxymoron.
I just want to take some time to sit in good truth. Isn’t that What gratitude is? To acknowledge the truth that feeds emotions that are good. Emotions that are good lead to decisions that align with good feelings. And the cycle continues.
I’m grateful because __________ has cancer or has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer yet when I talk to him. He looks good, sounds good and is living life. All indications point to the treatments he is on working. He doesn’t make me feel good all the time to be honest but I count my blessings. He is still so funny. So witty. His jokes still suck and pinch me. I don’t like how well he can push my button. The guy has this Dolapo Switch he can just turn off and on. But even for that I am thankful for. This life can get so monotonous for me. It’s nice to get that change of pace when I talk to him. My favorite recent moment was just yesterday while we talked about ___________. My word, I think we were totally gossiping. I like that definition of gossip that says as long as you can say it or have said it to the person’s face then, kuddos kiddo! Anyways, moral of the story is that I GET to have conversations with ___________ and that in itself is worth anything money can buy. God, thank you for giving _____ life beyond what I can bargain for, and thank you that he is still able and willing to speak to me. I take for granted that I am on speaking terms with my family. That we can reminisce and reshare memories and resurrect childhood emotions. Thank you that _______ drives me nuts, and I am glad that he still GETS to.